3rd Time's The Charm

I left Austin, Texas 13 months ago on what was going to be a 50-day Airstream adventure in celebration of having myself just turned 50 years old. The plan was simple; head North and go see my mom in Wisconsin, explore the backroads and countryside along the way and let the energy of the universe guide me after that until I made it back home, back to Austin, my spirit and mind recharged and ready for the next chapter of my life.

Well, along the way something happened…I just kept going.

Covid-19 was in full force around the entire globe; the country and especially Austin was mostly shut down and work, what little there was, could now be done almost entirely remotely. My favorite restaurants weren’t open, my kids were grown and had lives of their own and on top of all of that my girlfriend of the last 5 years and whom I thought was going to wait for me to triumphantly return from my mini-sabbatical showed ZERO intentions of wanting me back, far from it actually.

So now what?

I mean, what was there really to go back to anyway?

Why not just keep…going?

So, I kept going. And going.

And then, once I took inventory after about 6 months, it occurred to me that I was getting really close to having visited all 48 of the lower States.

Hmmm…well why not?

Why not go for it?

OK.

Done. I seem to make my biggest decisions the quickest;

Example:

Grandiose thought enters my mind.

Action needed to accomplish said thought reviewed in 2-3 seconds.

Decisive course of action engaged towards achievement of grandiose and likely unachievable thought.

It doesn’t always work out, but as I like to say:

“If you never go, you never know”

So, there it was, the new goal: 48 states in my Airstream “Lucy” with my trusty side-kick and renowned lady killer, Jack the Dog.

I was down to the Pacific Northwest: Idaho, Oregon, California (well, NorCal anyway) and Washington.

That’s it.

4 more States.

As I embarked on this last leg of what was deemed as my “Covid-Chronicles” by my step mom’s (Mom2.0 as I affectionately call her) husband Duncan, I had started hearing more and more from people I met along the way that I should try for Alaska.

“Unmatched beauty and grandeur!” they all said.

Alaska! Well shit. Now that thought is in my mind!

2-3 seconds later…

DONE.

I’m doing it.

2-3 more seconds later…

Another newer and even more bold idea enters my mind.

I mean of course it does, I’m an absolute fool for ideas (and women) that are bold, beautiful, daring and dangerous.

“Alaska would be really cool, but what about Alaska AND Hawaii?”

ALL 50 STATES, in an Airstream, with my dog!

Now THAT would be effin’ epic!

2-3 seconds later….

DONE.

I’m doing it.

Sure, there’s some serious logistical issues that I need figure out, but I am confident they will.

Things usually have a way of working out for me.

Usually.

I’ve always believed that if you put enough positive energy into your dreams that the Universe will send that energy back to you and reward you by opening doors and illuminating pathways which will guide you and help you achieve your dreams.

At least it has for me.

Does it for you?

I think you simply just have to be ready for it and you have to be ready to say “Yes.”

You have to say “Yes!” loudly and without shame. Just as Rodney Dangerfield’s character screamed out “Yes! Yes!” in the Hot for Teacher Scene in the movie Back to School.

A brilliantly funny movie by the way. Check it out if you haven’t.

So, I have said “YES!” loudly and without shame to 50 states.

Now what?

Logistical Issue 1: I have to drive through Canada to get to Alaska. Or rather, as my good friend Shannon Box used to call Canada; “America’s Largest National Park”

Logistical Issue 2: US-Canadian Border has been shut down due to Covid.

Logistical Issue 3: I have been denied entry into Canada 2 times over the past 3 years, and I am on the Detain and Interrogate Watch List

(Well, that’s what I call it anyway)

Logistical Issue 4: Hawaii. That’s gonna take a boat. And Money.

Logistical Issue 5: I don’t have a boat or much money.

Logistical Issue 6: People are gonna think I’m crazy.

Logistical Issue 7: My passport application has been pending for 12 weeks, I’m gonna need that.

Actually, there’s only 6 Logistical Issues, I don’t really care about #6 anymore. If being solo on the road for 13 months has taught me anything, it’s that I can be comfortable with who I am and not worry anymore about if others aren’t.

Very liberating.

So, 6 issues to resolve.

I’ve got this.

It’ll work out.

Off I charge into the unknown to achieve the goal of 50.

One interesting thing I found out through contacting the Airstream marketing department is that they don’t have a record of anyone ever doing ALL 50 states in the same Airstream or at all, so now there’s this Guinness Book of World Record angle to the journey.

Has it happened and Airstream doesn’t know about it?

Perhaps.

But google tells me it doesn’t look likely.

So, who knows, but:

Scott C. Sanders, World Record Holder.

Definitely sounds cool.

Now, however; First things first.

After traveling through and visiting New Mexico, Colorado, Idaho and Utah (rather, I was stranded for a week in Vernon, Utah with Airstream and Jeep repairs) all along the way visiting friends and making new ones (more about those stories later) I finally crossed over into NorCal and down into San Francisco where I took a breather from the road for a few weeks and waited on The Universe to open some doors for me…

Door #1: Canada announces it will open the border to American Citizens starting on August 9th.

Me: Woo Hoo!

Caveat to Door #1: Travelers must be fully vaccinated, have had a negative PCR test (basically an Anal swab up the nose) and have about 165 other pieces of paper signed and documented and finally, NOT be on the Detain and Interrogate Watch List.

Me: Hmmm. Well shit.

Door #2: I CAN put the Airstream and Jeep on a ferry out of Seattle and ship them to Alaska, however that cost is $5000+ and well, it just doesn’t sound as monumental of an achievement as driving 2500 miles through the pristine American park land that is British Columbia.

Door#3: I find out it IS actually possible to put the Airstream and Jeep on a barge and ship it to Hawaii, but it cost $5,000-$10,000.

Overheard conversation in my head as I mull all of this over…

Me to the Universe: “So you're telling me there’s a chance!” queuing image of Jim Carrey in Dumb and Dummer.

Universe: “Face slap emoji”

Door#4: I find out I can ask for passport expedited processing, but I have to apply in person, at a Federal office in Seattle, in 7 days. Only one open spot. Passport in same day though, assuming of course they don’t also Detain and Interrogate me. Do I have any pending federal charges?

I don’t think so. But, I have also been traveling for 13 months and not getting any mail, so…

Fuck it. I pack up and get the Jeep and Airstream ready to leave for Seattle. Jack and I even got our hair cut and took our weekly shower. We were ready. This was going to happen.

I mean, maybe it was.

I make it to Birch, Washington and get set up at a campsite to dump my tanks, recharge my batteries and to get fresh water and make a grocery run. I mean, do they even have fresh water and groceries in Canada? I assume America just sends food and money weekly to their Government, sort of like a parent would do with kids in college, but I’m not taking any chances, so I prepare for the unknown and stock up on tuna fish, turkey, avocados, cheese and bread.

I’m a dude, that’s pretty much it for the meal prep list.

Luckily, one of my good friends, Andy, is in the Birch Bay area on his own sabbatical/journey doing the VanLife thing (These people are a different kind of special by the way) and we have dinner and drinks together at Semiahoo Resort which overlooks the Salish Sea and

Lummi Bay, and watch the sun setting over the waters we share with Canada.

Andy, being Canadian and a good source of information, assures me over coffee the next morning that Canadians do indeed have fresh water, groceries, gas stations and they even speak English and drive on the American side of the road!

Who knew?

Thanks Andy. I feel better now!

Also, thanks for the dinner and drinks!

Now comes the real test.

It’s time to head to the border and to see if this dream of 50 even has a chance to lift off the ground.

I make the 30-minute drive to the Peace Arch Border Crossing and proceed to wait in line for 2 hours…during which time I am envisioning how things will go down once I hit the guard station house.

Scenario #1. Officer: Hello Sir, do have your passport?

I hand over my passport, smiling.

Oh, great, great, Jolly good!!

Well sir, all looks in perfect order. Welcome to Canada! You may proceed!

Enjoy eh!

Scenario #2. Officer: Passport and Covid Papers.

I hand over both.

Border Officer checks her computer, fervently jabs at the keys, frowns, makes a call on her house phone and suddenly 5 more Border Agents appear, guns drawn and pointed at me and Jack and all are yelling:

“GET OUT OF THE VEHICLE! GET OUT OF THE VEHICLE NOW, MOTHER-FUCKER!!!”

I shudder.

Oh well, no turning back now.

The Green Light to proceed towards the guard booth illuminates and I pull forward hoping that I have some of that Matthew McConaughey magic that he references in his new book

“Green Light” (check it out, it’s pretty good!)

Border Checkpoint Officer: Passport and Vaccination records please.

Me: For me or the dog?

I say wryly, trying to ease into the situation and letting Jack do his tail-wagging-put-his-chin-on-the-armrest and looking adorable thing…

Oh yeah, the Border Checkpoint Officer is incredibly hot, as in Baywatch Lifeguard Hot...

I am already getting ok with the idea of being detained by her.

Just hopefully not shot by her.

Hot Border Checkpoint Officer: Both, sir.

Not smiling.

Me: Hands over the documents with a smile.

I’m still trying!

Hot Border Checkpoint Officer: What is the nature of your travel to Canada?

Me: I’m headed to Alaska to explore the idea of opening up an office in Anchorage for our family business, RiverCity Sportswear. (Shameless plug but also not true, unless you need shirts and hats and you live in Alaska, if so, hit me up)

Hot Border Checkpoint Officer: You marked on your application “cross border business travel” are you doing business in Canada?

Me: No, I am crossing the border to do business in Alaska.

Hot Border Checkpoint Officer: That is NOT what this box intended for!

Me: So, if I cross the border to do business, I’m NOT supposed to check the box that says:

Cross border business travel?

Hot Border Checkpoint Officer:

Not smiling.

Have you ever had any issues with trying to cross into Canada before?

Oh, shit.

Here we go.

Me: is it that obvious?

Still maintaining a smile, but I know here this heading.

Hot Border Checkpoint Officer checks her computer, fervently jabs at the keys, frowns

(this doesn’t seem good and is eerily familiar) and then takes out her notepad and writes some things on it, then hands me the Yellow Copy Slip that does not look like it has her Name, IG and cell number on it, but it still looks important to her.

Hot Border Checkpoint Officer says:

Please hand this yellow slip to the officer over there by parking area A1-4. She will tell you what to do next. Do NOT get out of your car until instructed.

Me: So, are you on Insta?

I just look at her with the biggest smile I can manage.

Jack licks my ear as a hint to shut the fuck up and move on…

Hot Border Checkpoint Officer moves her hand slowly in the direction of her holster…mace or the 9mm side I’m not sure, but she is NOT smiling.

At all.

Jack and I drive very cautiously towards parking area A1-4 so as not to cause any more of a disturbance as the risk of getting shot, peppered or tased seems pretty high right now…

Getting closer to our next interrogation encounter Jack and I both see pretty quickly that this Border Patrol Officer is decidedly NOT Hot at all, think Cathy Bates in the movie Misery, and she does not have a smile on her face either.

(I thought Canadians were supposed to be friendly?)

It’s likely she woke up angry based on the fact that she knows she has to work next to the Hot Border Checkpoint Officer whom she is likely jealous of, so I put on my best “Yes ma’am” Texas good ol’ boy routine that all of my mom’s friends seemed to like so much back in the day.

NOT Hot Border Checkpoint Officer is not in my mom’s friends camp with this ploy.

NOT Hot Border Checkpoint Officer: Park and stay in your vehicle.

Me: Yes ma’am.

NOT Hot Border Checkpoint Officer reviews my yellow slip and whisper/mutters something mysteriously into her radio handle attached to her storm trooper vest and then returns her still un-smiling gaze to me and says

“OK, I need you take the dog out of the car and place him one of the kennels over there” pointing to the pet detainee area, an area which resembles how I have seen photos of Gitmo looking like. (GITMO=Guantanamo Bay Prison, where America keeps the baddest-of-the-bad terrorists)

Next, NOT Hot Border Checkpoint Officer says:

“Then, I need you take this yellow slip into the Border Services building and proceed to the nearest Agent to your right, do you understand these instructions, sir?”

Me: “Yes ma’am, you have done a wonderful job of explaining it all to me, thank you.”

I say, with an obvious touch of sarcasm. I mean, it’s pretty clear to me at this point that I am not getting into the country (again) and since I do not have any contraband (this time around) nor any outstanding warrants (that I know of) they can’t really arrest for me anything, and I’m slightly pissed off that I have come this far and am this close to accomplishing a pretty major goal, and it looks like I am gonna be denied from obtaining it, so yeah, I’m getting a little testy…

I proceed to get out of the car and I walk around to the passenger side to let Jack out, he’s pretty excited and happy but that’s only because he doesn’t know he’s about to spend an indefinite amount of time incarcerated, so knowing this like I do I feign trying to put a leash on him and I allow him “slip my grasp” as he runs around with reckless abandon while I yell out: “Bad dog!” and “Jack, here!” all the while relishing the pained look on Not Hot Border Checkpoint Officer’s face as she watches the scene unfold.

I am rewarded for my cunning effort as Jack, who has been captive in the Jeep on the Good ol’ USofA side for over 2 hours waiting to cross over and has a small terrier sized bladder, decides to mark his territory on the tire of the nearest Canadian Mounty police car, then, just as I am about to call him back to me in the tone he understands means “Now, dammit!” he sniffs out Not Hot Border Checkpoint Officer’s guard station, hike’s his leg and claims it his territory too, all the while staring directly at Not Hot Border Checkpoint Officer.

And I know what Jack was thinking…he was thinking:

“USA! USA! USA!”

Good boy Jack.

‘Merica!!!

I finally gather Jack up with the command “Jack, NOW!” and he promptly ambles over, tongue and tail both wagging and I then proceed to put him in what will be his Solitary Confinement for the foreseeable future, confinement made longer no doubt buy his recent Pro-America-piss-on you-bitch antics. Once I secure him inside I scratch that place behind his ear that he loves so much and I whisper to him “It was totally worth it buddy!” and then I give him water and close his jail cell door.

I smile as I think of a line from the movie Papillion and then quote it out loud to Jack as I stand up:

“We’re something, aren’t we?”

I give Jack a wink and a grin and walk off towards the Canada Border Services Agency Headquarters located at the Peace Arch Border Crossing, to find out my own fate…